Old people still lie about sex

It was wonderful to flip through the AARP’s recent survey of the sexual health of people whose healthcare we’re all about to start paying for.

It thrilled me no end to learn that the old folks are still chasing tail, but now they’re retired and not so nifty — so if they get hurt, it’s on us.

You really should be worried about a lot of this:

• The study found that men and women in the AARP galaxy both fantasize most about having sex with a stranger, although the study did not say whether forgetting the name of a partner 5 minutes in counted.
• The second-highest ranking fantasy for men in the study was having simultaneous sex  with multiple partners, a stat probably closely related to the finding that 0 percent of women over 70 even fantasize about having sex. That’s because none of the men are still around to fantasize about.
• Fourteen percent of those who rate their health as “poor,” and 16% percent of those who said they did not exercise at all still reported having sex at least once a week. This cannot be good for trauma centers.

The survey also had some pretty disturbing data:

• Men were nearly twice as likely as women to acknowledge having had a relationship outside of their marriage – 21% to 11%. So men lose the ability as they age to STFU.
• Of those who reported being more satisfied with their sex lives than they were 10 years ago, a hefty 10% attributed the change to: death of spouse. Less “chatting them up” required, I guess.
• A scary 2% of those more satisfied attributed the change to: No partner.
• Then again, a reassuring 20 percent – oddly the same for both sexes – said the factor that would do the most to improve their sex life would be: Finding a partner.

There’s more, but I had to cut away after clicking on a link reporting how these folks also have discovered the joys of “sexting” with their cellphones. Needed to immediately activate photo-blocking throughout my Contact List.

If you’re still curious, the whole thing is here.